The Shed

The Shed
The Shed

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Roving reporter Vida G. interviews Mr. Rutabaga

Hello everyone and greetings from Uncle Mac's Garden Shed. This is Vida G. and today I'll be interviewing local celebrity Mr. Rutabaga. Except for those rare occasions when I have my agent on the phone I rarely speak to vegetables, but this particular Brassica* is really opening eyes in the gardening community with his phenomenal growth spurt.



"Hi Mr. Rutabaga it's me, Vida. Do you have a few moments for me today?"

"Of course Vida I'm not going anywhere. But please, call me 'Mr. Big'."

"Hmm. No I don't think so, we'll stick with Mr. Rutabaga for now. Mr. Rutabaga, you are making an extraordin...

"Seriously, Vida, everyone here at the Shed calls me Mr. Big, it would just be so much easier if you did so as well."

"I'm sorry. I was a huge fan of SATC and I simply don't feel right referring to you in that fashion. And not everyone calls you that anyway. Farm Girl today asked me if I would PUH-leeze go talk to the big ass brassica, as he is driving everyone nuts waiting for his 10 minutes of fame."

"Farm Girl said that?"

"Absolutely. Then Uncle Mac buttonholed me and requested that I interview "that effin' turnip before I yank him up by the root and boil him with 3 carrots, 2 onions, some celery, a pinch of salt and a duck." So not everyone is on the Mr. Big bandwagon. I just thought you should know."

"TURNIP! Why that crotchety, ungrateful old bastid! I put this place on the map and that is how he thinks and speaks of me? As potential soup! Oh he will rue the day!

"Hmmm. Quite possibly. There seem to be a great number of days which he will eventually rue. But back to business: Mr. Rutabaga, to what do you attribute your remarkable heft and girth?"

"Well Vida we rutabagi have fat folk metabolisms. By that I mean that it takes very little in the way of actual nutrients to cause us to bloat up like the Hindenburg before the Lakewood explosion. We are what botanists like to refer to as light feeders. Give us a deeply dug bed full of earthworms,  lots of compost plus sunlight, water and help with the weeds and we'll be popping our waistbands before you can say "Hey diddle diddle" ".

"I never say "Hey diddle diddle". Perves tend to take it as an invitation. But Mr. Rutabaga, even in a bed replete with large, smug swedes you stick out like black blight in a tomato patch. You have a secret, you rascal, and your legions of fans would like you to share it.**

"You have seen through me, Vida. The secret is beer."

 "Beer!" Well that is surprising. How did you ever discover that particular trick?"

"Do you know Aunt Agnes by any chance, Vida?"

"I have that cross to bear. What of her? She never gave a drop of alcohol away in her life, as far as I can tell."

"No she does not. But she likes to drink beer when she is supposed to be weeding and so forth, and being a creature of habit she always hides her cans under my broad and shady leaves. Being forgetful and also generally 5 or 6 sheets to the wind she leaves partially full cans here more often than not. When I'm sure that she's wandered off I waggle my root causing a sub-surface vibration which in turn tips the can over, and I receive a deep, delicious drink of hops, malt and barley not to mention pure water from the Rockies. Oh it helps me pack on more pounds than Oprah during a diet malfunction."

"I am so disappointed in you, you vile turnip! When I was a high school cheerleader growing up in Florida there was a local degenerate who would sneak into my back yard at night and try to find me practicing my pom pom moves. Every time I'd catch him in the act, he'd waggle his root at me. Finally I persuaded the guys on the football team to beat him cross eyed and toss him in the canal with the 'gators. His name around town has been "Stumpy" ever since. No, Mr. Rutabaga, I do not like a root-waggler!"

"Erm. I doubt if its the same thing Vida."

"Possibly not. Anyway, rumor has it that you are going to be the target of  one of the next Pineapple Girl raids. Are you worried about your safety?"


"Well its sort of flattering actually, to be sought out by total strangers like Pineapple Girl. I do not fear for my safety; she doesn't look like the type who wants to add me to duck soup."

[Reporters interjection: Pineapple Girl is an outsider who apparently can travel through space/time via the wormholes that seem to occupy odd corners of the shed, garden and other grounds on this most peculiar patch of turf.

She uses her talent to steal the largest specimens of veggie just before Farm Girl or someone can pick them, popping safely out of local space with her prize one jump ahead of the posse, so to speak. No one can follow her because no one knows where or when she is from. She is beginning to annoy Mac mightily, all the more so with her recent theft of a barely broached half gallon of authentic Napoleon brandy which Mac had gone out of his way to steal from the Emperor last Tuesday (our time) and just prior to Austerlitz (Bonaparte's time).

She received her name from a Rochestrian poet who became aware of her depredations. These began with the out sized pineapples that are not supposed to grow in New Jersey but which do quite well next to the leeks.***
These plunderings seem to amuse her greatly.

Everyone is certain she'll be back for the remaining garden giants, a big whacking butternut squash and Mr. Rutabaga himself and plans are being laid to thwart her efforts. I'll be reporting these in detail as they are fomented, which is scheduled to take place at a meeting of all shed regulars two days from now.]

"Alrighty then Mr. Rutabaga we have established that you are easy to grow, require minimal care and become quite large. Everyone know you keep well. Are there any other reasons folks would like others of your kind in their gardens?"

"You are offering me vitamins and minerals, Mr. Rutabaga? How increasingly bizarre this all is." 

"No Vida, I am merely illustrating some of the many healthful and nutritional properties of the rutabaga Not merely the selenium, calcium, magnesium, zinc and potassium displayed here, but also vitamins A, C, E, K and B-6. Niacin and foliate, phosphorus and manganese are present in useful quantities as are Omega fatty acids 3 and 6. We rutabagi are a veritable cornucopia of useful pharmaceuticals!"

"I'm not certain that "rutabagi" is a word but I take your meaning never the less. Thank you, Mr. Rutabaga for your time."

"Don't mention it, Vida it was my pleasure."


Thank you all for stopping by for my first live interview, we certainly learned a lot about Mr. Rutabaga today. See you all next time here at Uncle mac's garden Shed!

* Ey? Catch that "Brassica?" I've been studyin'!

** Buttering up a turnip without real butter. The things we do for a suitcase full of diamonds.

*** I'd explain how these bozo's pull that one off but then I couldn't wring another post out of it, could I?


Glory Lennon said...

Wow, who knew she could talk as well as look good? Well, maybe Uncle Mac did.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Wow, Uncle Mac, this is a great interview! Vida G. is quite the reporter, and that would be the understatement of the century. She certainly got the scoop on Mr. Big...