The Shed

The Shed
The Shed

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

AGNES LOSES WHAT LITTLE MIND THERE WAS TO WHICH SHE MIGHT HITHERTO HAVE LAID CLAIM

Howdy! Agnes here and Ah do not mind tellin' ya'll that Ah'm mad enough to chew hammers and, er, spit nails!

DRUNK AS A SURFEIT OF SKUNKS
Who said "Usin' what for teeth?" Ah'm warnin' y'all, Ah am in no mood to be trifled with!

Ah suppose that some of y'all saw that bit of reportage by Ida or Vida or Mida or whatever her name is? Where she interviewed Mr. Big? Our prize turnip or excuse me, Rutabaga, (they jist hates to be called turnips.)

What in the wide world o sports do we need her for when some of us folks who have been here a lot longer are whatcher call...(whar's that damn dictionary...) underutilized! That's what Ah am! Underutilized! 

And what qualifications did Uncle Mac find in her anyway, to bring her aboard? Ah'll tell y'all what they's two; one is "T" and the othern is "A".  Man thinks with his tallywhacker like all men.

Well Ah am not takin' this lyin' down! Ah have prepa...

Ok, who said somethin' about "doggie style" ? Don't you know words hurt?

Anyway Ah'm not puttin' up with this! Ah have prepared a photo documentary on Blue Hubbard Squash that's gonna win me a Pull-it-sir prize for journalism or my name ain't Agnes Dalrymple. Here Ah go.

Now here y'all see I have crept up on a pine fall not 50 foot from the Garden where a wild Blue Hubbard is raising her baby. Here he is peekin' out of the den. Ain't he cute?



And now here, do y'all see, Mother Hubbard is not about to let the little one out of her sight. Here she comes... - they are such good mothers...







Oooh! Look they are out in the open now! Shush! We don't want to scare them! Think little Miss Double-Bubble would get y'all shots like this?






Thar, that's enough play time for one day, and Mom leads Baby back into the den. Once inside and given how late it is in the year they will hibernate until early spring. 

Did yew ever see the like?

"Ahem. Agnes?"

"Oh gosh dern it Farm Girl, what is it now?"

"I was merely going to observe that, no, the readers have not seen the like. No one has ever seen the like. This is a hallucination. Blue Hubbards do not have baby Hubbards. They do not build dens. They do not hibernate. They do not frisk, cavort and leap about. They are squash. All they do is make pies."

"Ah seen 'em move."

"I don't doubt that Aggy. Do you know what I found in the compost pile that wasn't there yesterday?"


"The dead body of a building inspector or some other societal plague?"

"No Dear, you are thinking of the hijinks's and general tomfoolery taking place at Low Crimes and Misdemeanors. What I found was a quart bottle of Jack Black and one of Captain Morgan. There were still a couple of stiff belts in the Morgan bottle. It wouldn't surprise me if you saw immense pink clad stegosauri doing a festive line dance after that mix."


"No they's over in Milly's orchard last I seen 'em. I'll get rid o' them bottles for yew Farm Girl don't yew fret!"

"Hmm. And no more posting?"

"Well..."

"Oh and before I forget, Aunt Agnes, just who's aunt are you supposed to..."

"Oops, Gotta hit the ladies, later Farm Girl!"

Huh! Who knew she could move that fast? Well folks let me apologize once more for Agnes, on behalf of all the inhabitants of the Shed. Thanks for stopping by, we'll try to prevent a recurrence of this heinous activity.

2 comments:

Glory Lennon said...

Oh, good old Aggy...always trying to pull one over on us. Good for a laugh though! :-)

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Yes, Aggie's done it again, trying to hoodwink us into giving up the Jack Daniels. Good thing Farm girl is there to save our souls. ":)