The Shed

The Shed
The Shed

Monday, March 24, 2014

Farm Girls Corner

"Hi, I'm Farm Girl and welcome to Farm Girl's Corner. Today, I'm going to..."

"Wow! When was the last time we had a Farm Girl's Corner!" said Uncle Mac from the corner by the potbellied stove, "I remember the last time I had Farm Girl cornered."

He did a Groucho Marx with his eyebrows.

"It was great! But when did we start acting like a serious gardening blog again is what I really mean."

"We are a serious gardening blog, a moribund serious gardening blog, but a serious gardening blog none the less. It's time we star..."

"Moribund?" said Uncle Mac.

"Moribund. It means..."

"I know what it means." said Unc, "are we that bad?"

"Oh come on we've been on life support for a year or so. It's time we got back in gear, in my view."

"Carry on, my daughter." said Mac.

"If I were your daughter, you'd be in jail, you whiskery old varmint. However..."

"Hi, I'm Farm Girl and welcome to Farm Girl's Corner. Today, I'm going to talk about a few new crops we are going to try this season. Last year as you may but probably do not recall was a very bad growing season here at the Shed. This year, we are trying only three new crops; a tomato, a squash, and an oniony type thingy."

"Let's not go all technical on our reader, FG, you know how confused she gets. 'oniony type thingy' might nudge her into befuddlement." 

"Stay with me here Angus you might learn something."

"First we are trying Burpee's 'Steakhouse' tomato. It is a hybrid, but it is so darn huge we can't help but want see what they are on to. It is reputed to go to three pounds and yet have a superb flavor. We will keep you informed on that of course."

"Then from Gurney we have the 'Kappa' hybrid cooking onion, which is an onion-shallot hybrid with the best qualities of both. Which is why I like to call it an oniony type thingy." 

"Also from Gurney's we'll be trying a huge golden butternut squash called 'Argonaut', a beautiful looking fruit with deep golden external tones, running to 30 pounds and reputed to be delicious. We'll be the judge of that but we are hoping advance billing is correct."

"Er, farm Girl?"


"Don't you think we should be showing folks pictures of these veggies which we will be trying out?"

"Why yes I do Uncle Mac, but it seems Blogger does not agree. People can follow the links to see a picture and in fact find out about the veggies in question, while we work on the picture problem."

"I see", said Mac, "also, lots of folks look us up just to catch a peek at your bu...pretty face. We don't wish to disappoint them, do we."

"Of course not, they can simply scroll down a few posts to see all the pretty face they want. Particularly if they go to the post on steatopygia. That should satisfy the most dedicated pretty face man."

"Well. We will need to fix this picture problem."

"Indeed we will"

Gratuitous link to Farm Girls pretty face:

Things get Chilly for Millie

"Brrrrr!" said Uncle Mac, entering the garden-side door and slamming it behind him, "15° on March 24th? In New Jersey? I don't think so. How can we plant 'taties when we can't chip the ground with an axe?"

"15°", said Lacey Delacroix, eyes riveted to the 336th chapter of the prologue of "Violets in Bloom", "would those be Celsius, Kelvin, or Fahrenheit? Because it does make a difference, you know".

"Too damned cold for this time of year, is all I know. Why, when I was a tot we didn't have such things as temperature scales. Either there was no ice on the pond, and it was above freezing or there was ice on the pond and it was below. Colder than that and it was 'cold enough to freeze the balls off a bronze bishop'; colder still and it was 'colder than a wi...' "

The orchard side door edged open and a smallish but very attractive silver haired woman appeared, struggling unaccountably with a cooler. Mallory leaped to her assistance.

"Millie!" said Lacey, "A cooler? In this weather?"

"It's to keep the waffle batter from freezing" replied their violet eyed guest, "waffles loose some of their magic when the batter freezes."

"I'll be right back", said Uncle Mac to a disinterested Shed crew as he removed his gloves and stepped back outside.

"I heard waffles" said Farm Girl, ghosting up from out of nowhere, "Coffee, Mill?"

Millie nodded and commenced to unpack the cooler.

The Ripper, Agnes, Leatherface and Vida G floated in from various interior regions of the shed, drawn to the scent of Millie's waffle batter like Serengeti hyenas to a long dead wildebeest.

"There go my hips again." said a sleepy Vida.

"Still", muttered Farm Girl, none too subtly.

"Ahah!" said Uncle Mac, reappearing via the garden gate. He was holding his hands aloft, like a neurosurgeon freshly scrubbed, "Millicent my sweet! Would you join me in the ammo locker for a moment? I've a few words for your private ear!"

Millie shrugged and the two disappeared into the nearby storeroom.

Whispered phrases punctuated by chuckles, giggles and the rustling of clothing emerged, followed in rapid succession by a bloodcurdling feminine shriek, and a sharp report, much like that which a small bore revolver might produce only somehow, meatier.

Millie and Uncle emerged momentarily, both red faced; Millie with outraged indignation and Uncle with a crimson hand print painted across his right cheek.

"It's true!" observed the Shed's patriarch holding one frosty hand proudly aloft. "It really is colder than a witches tit out there!"

As good a place as any to close on what was after all, a distressing and completely unnecessary scene.


"Erm. Mr. Blog writing person?"


"Where are the pictures? Nobody actually reads this mess, we just come here for the pictures."

"No more pictures! Blogger won't let me post 'em, the posting widget does not work and there seems to be no way to contact anyone about it."

"This is distressing."

"Tell me about it."