The Shed

The Shed
The Shed

Saturday, October 27, 2012

FARM GIRLS CORNER - LIKE BOULLES IN A CHINA SHOP

Hi! Farm Girl here and once again its time to check on our beloved Boulle D'ors or yellow turnips!*


WHAT A DIFFERENCE A LITTLE MAKEUP MAKES

Why yes, sometimes I do work in the garden without pants, doesn't everyone? No I'm only kidding of course, I'll yank 'em back on as soon as I get 'em off the ceiling fan.

Why you ask, does a garden shed have a ceiling fan? If you haven't noticed this is a peculiar shed, and that is a long story, and for another day.

Why are my pants on the ceiling fan to begin with? Well they weren't there to begin with they were on me. If it's all the same to you though, enough with my pants! Let's just drop 'em. No, wait now I sound like Uncle Mac. Oh to hell with my pants!

Anyway:


A FINE FIGURE OF A BOULLE 

We are about to be engulfed by "Frankenstorm", most likely on the 29th so we may have to rescue the little fellows if they begin to suffer from the weather. But I think we can milk thi, er, keep you updated for at least two more weeks.

AND HERE IS ANOTHER

Sure hope these are tasty, we have a lot of them!

But here he is, the one you've been waiting for. From parts unknown, (weight unknown), you know him, you love him, you can't get enough of him! The ONE! The ONLY! The round mound in the ground! The classica of brassica! The pick of the litter, our very own Mr. BIG!

"AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS, LITTLE PEPPER?"

Please hold your applause ladies and gentlemen. 

Oh.

I guess you knew that without me telling you.**

Well anyway there he am, big as a ham and he has some pretty hefty bed companions as well.***

We are thinking of having a "Guess the weight of Mr. Big" contest when we finally yank him. Won't that be nice?

We can tell you that Mr. Big is now stable at 21" in girth and there really is little justification for leaving him in the ground other than that he'll keep as well there as anywhere else.


As always, thanks for stopping by and be sure to visit again soon so we can give you yet another turnip update, and tell you how the garden, the shed, and its peculiar inhabitants weathered the storm. Be safe out there!



*We must have "hunnerts" as Agnes would say.

**Although I did hear a chipmunk fart; that might count.

***A lot like Mac in the daze of his yoot.  

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

AGNES IS BESIDE HERSELF WITH GIRLISH ENTHUSIASM

Its me Aunt Agnes and Ah'm happier than a Congressman who's figured out how to tax air! 

BARMY OLD GIT


Why would you LOOK at what Ah found growin' in the garden?

OH GOOD GRIEF!

 
Would yew ever suspect you could grow 'em all indi...

(A phut! sort of sound in the near distance, very much like that of an air rifle...)

OUCH! Skeeter bit mah butt! Ah thought they's all gone by now....geeze Ah'm right sleepy maybe Ah should....

(Sound of an old drunk falling sideways into the bean patch, which really should have been cleaned up for overwintering by now, followed by some pflemmy sounding snores...)

Hi! Delacroix here, just a second...

LACEY DELACROIX

Leatherface, would you take Aggy to the Shed and chuck her in the hay stack, toss a horse blanket over her and leave a bottle of cheap whisky where she can find it when she wakes up? That's a good boy.

I'm sorry folks I was just lurking in the corn patch with the tranquilizer rifle waiting for Pineapple Girl to make a move on either the big butternut squash or Mr. Big himself when along comes Aggy with who knows what sort of inappropriate posting. It seemed to me there was only one thing to do if Uncle Mac's Garden Shed is to maintain its high level of publishing integrity.

Stop snickering!

Anyway, the mushroom variety that Aggy was about to misrepresent is none other than Phallus impudicus, a variety of stinkhorn which you can read about HERE and study pictures of HERE. Do not try to eat them.

Okay! Looks like we have side stepped yet another Aggian disaster. Don't worry people there is a plot afoot to send her on a bus trip to Fargo without enough money to come back so this sort of thing is not likely to happen again.

Be sure to stop again by soon as Farm Girl squeezes the yellow turnip postings until they squeal.  Until then thanks for visiting Uncle Mac's!




Saturday, October 20, 2012

FARM GIRL'S CORNER - MILKING THE BOULLES

Hi there, its Farm Girl! Welcome to Farm Girl's Corner. I help out around the Shed and in the Garden and so on. Today Uncle Mac wanted to do some staking.

"Mac," I said, "its late October. There is nothing in the garden that needs staking.* You will have to come up with a new subterfuge."

He did, of course, the man is a goat.

FARM GIRL
 "Farm Girl", some have asked, "how long do you plan on milking the saga of the Boulle D'or turnips and the giant Rutabaga for posts?"

Long as we can, folks, is the short answer. If we can get a picture of Mr. Big's leaf cluster poking out of a snow drift in the middle of a howling blizzard in January then you, gentle Reader, will receive an update.

Because deep inside where it counts the most, you really need to know these things.

BOULES ON OCTOBER 20

This is the 63rd day from sowing and some of the turnips are large enough to be picked, but we will let them continue to grow as long as the weather cooperates.

MR. BIG, IN FINE FETTLE

Here he is folks, your pal and ours, Mr. Big the celebrity rutabaga. There has been no perceptible increase in girth since last weeks measurement and Mr. Big remains at a corpulent 21" circumference.

We will see if yesterdays monumental downpour coupled with the unseasonably warm temperatures stimulates more growth, or if it is in fact time to invite Mr. Big to dinner.

ALLIUM IS FAIR IN GARDEN OR POT

Allium sativum or garlic is what we refer to, of course. We planted 2 small beds about 10 days ago, to see how the plants would react to two very different soils, and now they have sprouted.

We will cover them with a 6" layer of straw and bid them adieu until next year, they need no further attention.

That about wraps it for this weeks Boulle session! Thanks for visiting Farm Girls Corner!



*I THOUGHT OF OBSERVING THAT IN FACT, THE STAKES CURRENTLY IN THE GARDEN NEED TO BE YANKED, AND PERHAPS HE SHOULD CONSIDER THAT AS A VIABLE SOLUTION FOR HIS OWN DILEMMA. BUT THEN WE'D ALL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT HANG DOG LOOK FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

AGNES LOSES WHAT LITTLE MIND THERE WAS TO WHICH SHE MIGHT HITHERTO HAVE LAID CLAIM

Howdy! Agnes here and Ah do not mind tellin' ya'll that Ah'm mad enough to chew hammers and, er, spit nails!

DRUNK AS A SURFEIT OF SKUNKS
Who said "Usin' what for teeth?" Ah'm warnin' y'all, Ah am in no mood to be trifled with!

Ah suppose that some of y'all saw that bit of reportage by Ida or Vida or Mida or whatever her name is? Where she interviewed Mr. Big? Our prize turnip or excuse me, Rutabaga, (they jist hates to be called turnips.)

What in the wide world o sports do we need her for when some of us folks who have been here a lot longer are whatcher call...(whar's that damn dictionary...) underutilized! That's what Ah am! Underutilized! 

And what qualifications did Uncle Mac find in her anyway, to bring her aboard? Ah'll tell y'all what they's two; one is "T" and the othern is "A".  Man thinks with his tallywhacker like all men.

Well Ah am not takin' this lyin' down! Ah have prepa...

Ok, who said somethin' about "doggie style" ? Don't you know words hurt?

Anyway Ah'm not puttin' up with this! Ah have prepared a photo documentary on Blue Hubbard Squash that's gonna win me a Pull-it-sir prize for journalism or my name ain't Agnes Dalrymple. Here Ah go.

Now here y'all see I have crept up on a pine fall not 50 foot from the Garden where a wild Blue Hubbard is raising her baby. Here he is peekin' out of the den. Ain't he cute?



And now here, do y'all see, Mother Hubbard is not about to let the little one out of her sight. Here she comes... - they are such good mothers...







Oooh! Look they are out in the open now! Shush! We don't want to scare them! Think little Miss Double-Bubble would get y'all shots like this?






Thar, that's enough play time for one day, and Mom leads Baby back into the den. Once inside and given how late it is in the year they will hibernate until early spring. 

Did yew ever see the like?

"Ahem. Agnes?"

"Oh gosh dern it Farm Girl, what is it now?"

"I was merely going to observe that, no, the readers have not seen the like. No one has ever seen the like. This is a hallucination. Blue Hubbards do not have baby Hubbards. They do not build dens. They do not hibernate. They do not frisk, cavort and leap about. They are squash. All they do is make pies."

"Ah seen 'em move."

"I don't doubt that Aggy. Do you know what I found in the compost pile that wasn't there yesterday?"


"The dead body of a building inspector or some other societal plague?"

"No Dear, you are thinking of the hijinks's and general tomfoolery taking place at Low Crimes and Misdemeanors. What I found was a quart bottle of Jack Black and one of Captain Morgan. There were still a couple of stiff belts in the Morgan bottle. It wouldn't surprise me if you saw immense pink clad stegosauri doing a festive line dance after that mix."


"No they's over in Milly's orchard last I seen 'em. I'll get rid o' them bottles for yew Farm Girl don't yew fret!"

"Hmm. And no more posting?"

"Well..."

"Oh and before I forget, Aunt Agnes, just who's aunt are you supposed to..."

"Oops, Gotta hit the ladies, later Farm Girl!"

Huh! Who knew she could move that fast? Well folks let me apologize once more for Agnes, on behalf of all the inhabitants of the Shed. Thanks for stopping by, we'll try to prevent a recurrence of this heinous activity.

Friday, October 12, 2012

FARM GIRLS CORNER - SCRATCHING MY BOULLES

Why are you looking at me like that? Anyway this is Farm Girl, welcome to Farm Girl's Corner and if its Friday, it must be time for a Boulle D'or or yellow turnip report.



They continue to prosper, these Boulles and we can begin to look forward to giving them a taste test within a few weeks. We did try a pot full of yellow turnip greens and they were quite good, although we really could detect no appreciable difference in flavor from ordinary white turnip greens.





The yellow turnips are now in their 8th week since their sowing on August 17, so the first ones should be ready in about 2 weeks or so, coinciding nicely with the first frost date.

I scratched one with my fingernail and the flesh is a very appealing pale yellow under the skin with a mild but distinctly turnipy aroma. We have high hopes.

But we know you are really interested in our portly garden celebrity, Mr. Big.

MR. BIG AND FRIENDS

Mr. Big may be ending his growth spurt, this is the first week in several when his girth did not expand by a full inch or more, but by perhaps a mere 7/8". He is now 20 7/8 inches in circumference. Either the cold is beginning to inhibit his continued expansion, or this as as big as he will get, or he is exhausted from his interview with the lovely Vida G, earlier this week, which can be viewed HERE

And just for the heck of it here's a snap of todays RUS*, destined for tonights salad.

*RADISHES OF UNUSUAL SIZE

 
That would seem to wrap things up for this weeks boulle report, tanks for stopping at Farm Girls Corner!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

CONTEST!

We are offering a contest to obtain an additional picture of both Farm Girl and of the Garden Shed itself. These are separate contests and will carry separate $25.00 awards, via Paypal.

Second prizes may be awarded and will be $15.00 if they are.

Email entries to BobMacNJ5@aol.com by midnight October 31, 2012. Place "Contest" in the message bar. Prizes disbursed within 48 hours, winners posted for all the Garden Shed loving world to admire.


Shed Contest:

 1. Garden Shed Upgrade Contest:

Pictures that we use to suggest the shed are shown below. We are looking for others of that ilk.


A PIC OF ME? OKAY! TERRIFIC!

No, Knucklehead, not you! You are an Elk, and a remarkably noble, majestic and downright tasty looking one at that. What we need for this contest is ilk. Do try to track!
 
Where were we? Oh yes...

 


Submit your pic or pics, can be photo's from anywhere on the net, your personal pictures, even drawings. Send to BobMacNJ5@aol.com with "Contest" in the message bar.

2. Additional Farm Girl pics:

Supply us with a "new" pic of Farm Girl"

Can be from the web, your personal collections, can even be of you if you fit the mold.

Q. Must Farm Girl be a mega babe?

A. Of course!

Q. Must farm Girl be nearly butt naked?

A. No, not at all.

 
WE CANNOT USE EVERY PICTURE:
 
 
Pics that will immediately be deleted and not considered for use or prize money:

Anything that violates law

Anything that would cause problems with face book

Any pic which is "obviously" copyrighted or has a watermark
 
Any Pic which we already use - see below

Any pic where you express the sentiment "I don't want the money" If you don't want the money do NOT send me a pic!!

Any questions either message or email me, or leave a comment.
 
 
FARM GIRL PICS IN CURRENT USE:

Miss Buttinski Farm Girl
 
 
Cow fancying Farm Girl 
 
 
Come 'n git it Farm Girl


Nice farm Girl

Heart attack Farm Girl


"Oh look! It's Mr. Bear and right outside the window", Farm Girl.
 


SHED PICS IN CURRENT USE:
 
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE IS A LOT OF LATITUDE IN WHAT WE CONSIDER A SHED TO BE. (FARM GIRL, NOT SO MUCH) SO GET TO IT, FOLKS, HAVE SOME FUN AND WIN SOME MONEY!


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Roving reporter Vida G. interviews Mr. Rutabaga

Hello everyone and greetings from Uncle Mac's Garden Shed. This is Vida G. and today I'll be interviewing local celebrity Mr. Rutabaga. Except for those rare occasions when I have my agent on the phone I rarely speak to vegetables, but this particular Brassica* is really opening eyes in the gardening community with his phenomenal growth spurt.

ON SITE REPORTER VIDA G.

MR. RUTABAGA, ORDERING A WATERING PAIL OF FRESH WELL WATER

"Hi Mr. Rutabaga it's me, Vida. Do you have a few moments for me today?"

"Of course Vida I'm not going anywhere. But please, call me 'Mr. Big'."

"Hmm. No I don't think so, we'll stick with Mr. Rutabaga for now. Mr. Rutabaga, you are making an extraordin...

"Seriously, Vida, everyone here at the Shed calls me Mr. Big, it would just be so much easier if you did so as well."

"I'm sorry. I was a huge fan of SATC and I simply don't feel right referring to you in that fashion. And not everyone calls you that anyway. Farm Girl today asked me if I would PUH-leeze go talk to the big ass brassica, as he is driving everyone nuts waiting for his 10 minutes of fame."

"Farm Girl said that?"

"Absolutely. Then Uncle Mac buttonholed me and requested that I interview "that effin' turnip before I yank him up by the root and boil him with 3 carrots, 2 onions, some celery, a pinch of salt and a duck." So not everyone is on the Mr. Big bandwagon. I just thought you should know."

"TURNIP! Why that crotchety, ungrateful old bastid! I put this place on the map and that is how he thinks and speaks of me? As potential soup! Oh he will rue the day!

"Hmmm. Quite possibly. There seem to be a great number of days which he will eventually rue. But back to business: Mr. Rutabaga, to what do you attribute your remarkable heft and girth?"

"Well Vida we rutabagi have fat folk metabolisms. By that I mean that it takes very little in the way of actual nutrients to cause us to bloat up like the Hindenburg before the Lakewood explosion. We are what botanists like to refer to as light feeders. Give us a deeply dug bed full of earthworms,  lots of compost plus sunlight, water and help with the weeds and we'll be popping our waistbands before you can say "Hey diddle diddle" ".

"I never say "Hey diddle diddle". Perves tend to take it as an invitation. But Mr. Rutabaga, even in a bed replete with large, smug swedes you stick out like black blight in a tomato patch. You have a secret, you rascal, and your legions of fans would like you to share it.**

"You have seen through me, Vida. The secret is beer."

I'VE GOT A SECRET
 "Beer!" Well that is surprising. How did you ever discover that particular trick?"

"Do you know Aunt Agnes by any chance, Vida?"

"I have that cross to bear. What of her? She never gave a drop of alcohol away in her life, as far as I can tell."

"No she does not. But she likes to drink beer when she is supposed to be weeding and so forth, and being a creature of habit she always hides her cans under my broad and shady leaves. Being forgetful and also generally 5 or 6 sheets to the wind she leaves partially full cans here more often than not. When I'm sure that she's wandered off I waggle my root causing a sub-surface vibration which in turn tips the can over, and I receive a deep, delicious drink of hops, malt and barley not to mention pure water from the Rockies. Oh it helps me pack on more pounds than Oprah during a diet malfunction."

"I am so disappointed in you, you vile turnip! When I was a high school cheerleader growing up in Florida there was a local degenerate who would sneak into my back yard at night and try to find me practicing my pom pom moves. Every time I'd catch him in the act, he'd waggle his root at me. Finally I persuaded the guys on the football team to beat him cross eyed and toss him in the canal with the 'gators. His name around town has been "Stumpy" ever since. No, Mr. Rutabaga, I do not like a root-waggler!"

"Erm. I doubt if its the same thing Vida."

"Possibly not. Anyway, rumor has it that you are going to be the target of  one of the next Pineapple Girl raids. Are you worried about your safety?"

PINEAPPLE GIRL

"Well its sort of flattering actually, to be sought out by total strangers like Pineapple Girl. I do not fear for my safety; she doesn't look like the type who wants to add me to duck soup."

[Reporters interjection: Pineapple Girl is an outsider who apparently can travel through space/time via the wormholes that seem to occupy odd corners of the shed, garden and other grounds on this most peculiar patch of turf.

She uses her talent to steal the largest specimens of veggie just before Farm Girl or someone can pick them, popping safely out of local space with her prize one jump ahead of the posse, so to speak. No one can follow her because no one knows where or when she is from. She is beginning to annoy Mac mightily, all the more so with her recent theft of a barely broached half gallon of authentic Napoleon brandy which Mac had gone out of his way to steal from the Emperor last Tuesday (our time) and just prior to Austerlitz (Bonaparte's time).

She received her name from a Rochestrian poet who became aware of her depredations. These began with the out sized pineapples that are not supposed to grow in New Jersey but which do quite well next to the leeks.***
These plunderings seem to amuse her greatly.

Everyone is certain she'll be back for the remaining garden giants, a big whacking butternut squash and Mr. Rutabaga himself and plans are being laid to thwart her efforts. I'll be reporting these in detail as they are fomented, which is scheduled to take place at a meeting of all shed regulars two days from now.]

"Alrighty then Mr. Rutabaga we have established that you are easy to grow, require minimal care and become quite large. Everyone know you keep well. Are there any other reasons folks would like others of your kind in their gardens?"


GOOD THINGS COME IN ROTUND PACKAGES
     
"You are offering me vitamins and minerals, Mr. Rutabaga? How increasingly bizarre this all is." 

"No Vida, I am merely illustrating some of the many healthful and nutritional properties of the rutabaga Not merely the selenium, calcium, magnesium, zinc and potassium displayed here, but also vitamins A, C, E, K and B-6. Niacin and foliate, phosphorus and manganese are present in useful quantities as are Omega fatty acids 3 and 6. We rutabagi are a veritable cornucopia of useful pharmaceuticals!"

"I'm not certain that "rutabagi" is a word but I take your meaning never the less. Thank you, Mr. Rutabaga for your time."

"Don't mention it, Vida it was my pleasure."


THANK GOD THAT'S OVER!

Thank you all for stopping by for my first live interview, we certainly learned a lot about Mr. Rutabaga today. See you all next time here at Uncle mac's garden Shed!

* Ey? Catch that "Brassica?" I've been studyin'!

** Buttering up a turnip without real butter. The things we do for a suitcase full of diamonds.

*** I'd explain how these bozo's pull that one off but then I couldn't wring another post out of it, could I?

Friday, October 5, 2012

FARM GIRLS CORNER - The baby Boules

Hi there turnip lovers, its me Farm Girl and you know me by now. I help out around the Shed and Garden, and assist Uncle Mac when he needs it. Today I collaborated with him on a "Hay Stack Compression Test" apparently gathering valuable information to help us prepare for the Winter months. It seemed a lot like the other hay compression exercises we perform all year long, but I digress.

F.G. AS EVER WAS


The Boulle D'or or yellow turnip patch is developing nicely, as you might expect, since the sow date on  August 17.

LUSH, THICK GREENS

Little turnips have formed to the point that they will switch into over drive very shortly, and grow visibly almost by the day.

AIN'T HE CUTE?

But you are really here to check on Mr. Big, are you not? Well here he is. Mr. Big and his kin suffered a devastating attack of young caterpillars but sprays and hand picking seem to have got them all over the hump.

MR. BIG AT HOME
Sticking with his "inch a week" program Mr. Big is now 20" in circumference, which means we have a whole lot o' baga going on.

I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE UP NOW, FARM GIRL
This fine fat fellow has at least three weeks before a serious frost event should occur, so we don't expect to be inviting him for dinner anytime soon. In fact, we're thinking of keeping him hanging around until Thanksgiving, if things should work out that way.

I think we've gotten to the root of the matter for now, so until next week, thanks for stopping by!


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

AGNES TO THE RESCUE

Howdy! Aunt Agnes here. You know, here at the Garden Shed we are always ready to extend the cooperative if not loving hand of helpful friendship to our fellow man in his hour of need.* So it was that when the rudimentary life forms who infest the "Unnatural Foods" cooking blog came to us requesting aid and succor**, we hesitated not, but leaped into the metaphorical breach.***

EXTENDING THE METAPHORICAL LONE STAR OF DRUNKENNESS

It seems they needed fresh potatoes, onions and rutabagas to prepare something called a "Potatabaga Pattie", which I was happy to supply, once kindly old Uncle Mac had driven me from the comfort of the shed at the point of a shovel.****


MIDDLIN' SIZED RUTABAGI
 I found some 'baga's for them, not Mr. Big of course but some nice softball sized examples.


EVEN AFTER DIGGING THE POTATOES YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND MORE

Dug up some spuds we had missed the first time through.



ONIONS!

Of course we pulled the onions a month or more ago but since we still have them up the gagootz***** we gave them some of those as well.

They are making a couple of side dishes out of these and other ingredients and threate, er, promised to send some over. I expect we'll try a bit on Mr. Bear first and see what happens.

Well that's it for now, thanks for stopping by!


* FETCH THE WADERS ITS GETTING DEEP! 

** ACTUALLY, THEY WANTED SPUDS AND RUTABAGAS

***  "RUDIMENTARY LIFE FORMS"? "METAPHORICAL BREACH"? WHO ARE YOU, BLOG POSTING PERSON, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH AGGIE? (AND THANKS FOR DOING IT, WHATEVER IT WAS.) 

**** WHICH IS HAPPENING MORE AND MORE OFTEN THESE DAYS AS THE WEATHER COOLS.

***** IMAGINE OUR DISCOMFORT!