The Shed

The Shed
The Shed

Monday, July 15, 2013

Farm Girl's Corner - Goin' fishin'

"Wow!" exclaimed Farm Girl, "That cold water is a real eye opener when it hits your hoo-hoo!

"You just said, 'hoo-hoo' ", observed Delacroix, "and with a straight face."
"Yes", said Farm Girl primly. "You don't want me to be crude do you? This is a family site."
"First of all you're a grown woman, second, it isn't a family site! Nobody visits this site. Not families, not crooked politicians to use a redundancy, not dirty old men in third floor walk up apartments in Hoboken." said Delacroix, "You want to say the P word, say it! C word? Who could possibly have a problem with that? You have to be reading content before you can start bitching about content. How about vag? I think vag is ok?
"Vag is ok. I'll stick to hoo-hoo, though."
"Stick to your sheets if that's what you want. What are you doing, anyway?"
"Trying to catch every fish mentioned at  "" which would be a feather in my cap."

"Why do you want feathers in your cap?"

"I don't want feathers in my cap! What I really want to do is read all the entries at " ", the best gardening site on the web.

"Oh I see", said Delacroix, "well who wouldn't?" 

Saturday, July 13, 2013

The Best Gardening Site on the Web

Howwwwwdeeee! I'm Farm Girl and today on Farm Girl's Cor..


"Hold it just a darn minute!", said the real Farm Girl. "You're not Farm Girl. You're Vida G. Roving Reporter for the shed. What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm Farm Girl.", said Farm Girl, reasonably.


"I'm Farm Girl!", said Aunt Agnes, boozily.

"I'm Spartacus!" said Mallory, as he walked in the door with Millie Quackenbush and a badly depleted sack of fresh donuts.

"Shut, it, George. Agnes, go play in traffic. Hiya Millie, what's in the sack?"

"And Vida what the hell were you up too?"

"I was going to do a Farm Girls Corner, I thought you were on vacation?"

"I was on vacation. Me and the old goat went Mosasaur fishing back in the late Cretaceous. Caught a worlds record Hainosaurus as a matter of fact."

"Heinous sores? Caught 'em from Uncle Mac I bet. Did you try Neosporin?", contributed Agnes.

"Agnes! Put a sock in it! Okay, Vida, what was the corner going to be about?"

"Just this", said Vida, punching up a site on the computer, "The best damned gardening site on the web."

Every one gathered around.

"Oh I say!" said Mallory, "that's bloody impressive!"

"Hmmmmph." Hmmmmphed Farm Girl, "Yes it is. But what makes them better than us?"

"No Agnes." said Vida.

"We're screwed.", said Farm Girl.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Agnes is a happy gal

Delacroix strode in the shed door, the one on the side facing Millie's orchard. The big Lapua .338 was neatly tucked under her right arm.

"Who's dead?" inquired Uncle Mac, who was de-podding rutabaga seeds at the crude picnic table.

"No one you'd know", said Delacroix, tossing a bag of recovered brass on the table. "I was just checking the piece out after Twinkle Toes used it. It seems pretty much ok"

"By Twinkle Toes you mean Vida?"

"The very twinkler I had in mind." Lacey said.

"You lent her that freakin' cannon? What for?"

"I didn't lend her a damn thing. She "borrowed" it. Took it to Catulpa Valley and tried to eradicate that twit Victor. Admirable idea of course but she missed him three times clean, once from 70 yards. 70 yards! Blew a hole the size of the national debt through Violet's house in the bargain."

"What did you do to her?" asked Mac, sounding as if he'd rather not know.

"We had a conversation about borrowing other peoples weapons. I think next time, she'll ask first."

"At least there'll be a next time. You're mellowing in your old age."

There came an unexpected interruption from the garden, a protracted screech, fifty percent ululation, fifty percent triumphal bleat. One hundred percent unpleasant.

Uncle M flinched.

"What the hell is up with Agnes?" he said.

"Haven't you heard? She got herself a little head, and wants the entire world to know about it"

Delacroix looked closely at Uncle Mac. She had seem him angry, annoyed,  and irritated. She had seen him euphoric, moderately pleased and positively ecstatic. She had seen a look of boozy lust lighting up his whiskery mug as he followed Farm Girl to the nearest hay stack. But she had never before witnessed anything like the rictus of horror that clung like a death mask to his suddenly bloodless face as the import of her announcement sunk in.

"I expect she'll be in to tell you about it any second now."


Agnes Dalrymple exploded through the garden side door:

"Look'ee here Mac, at whut I done! I took a pitcher for yew!"

"No!" said Uncle M hoarsely, clapping his hands over his eyes. "get the hell away from me you aberration! I won't look"

"Well watcher...don't yew want to see mah cabbage whut I growed?"

A semi-stifled snort of what might have been laughter* emerged from Delacroix's vicinity.

"Cabbage?" whispered Mac.

The fingers clasped to his face parted marginally. A bloodshot eye focused on the Polaroid** which Agnes thrust at him, beaming.

"She's real little now but soon we can berl 'er up with corn' beef and make some 'tater salad!"

" 'Tater salad." said Uncle Mac.

"Yup!" said Agnes

"Very nice, Agnes. Now maybe you should go water it, or weed it. Or something."

"Okee Dokey!

And Agnes wandered aimlessly away.

Uncle M looked accusingly at Lacey, who smiled serenely back.

"Ten AM." he said, reaching under the table for the ever-present Napoleons' brandy. "the sun, somewhere, has to be over a yard arm."


*Hard to tell, coming from Lacey.

**From the last functioning camera, nearly as old as Agnes herself.