THE CHILDRENS HOUR, WITH LEATHERFACE - An appeal for help!

Hallo everyone, its your favorite cut up and baby sitter Leatherface! Usually I run little educational snippets for the kiddies on how to control garden pests and other things but today, I've asked all the parents here because we are having trouble with an old nemesis that we really have had little success controlling in the past. We thought someone might have a helpful suggestion. Help yourself to the beans, weenies and fixin's on the sideboard before we get down to biz here.

Whats that, Mrs. Quackenbush? Nathan's weenie? Well one might have been a Nathan it's so difficult to keep track over the years.

Know your varmint: Here she is folks, the bane of our existence here at the shed. We don't who she is, because we can't catch her to ask so we just call her Pineapple Girl. I can tell you, this is about the only glimpse of her we ever get, scooting around a corner - she's abnormally quick for a short little woman - usually with our best pineapple in her mitts and a goofy grin - well represented here I think - on her face.

Once she scoots around a corner she disappears completely, not even footprints left behind, or a scent for the wolves to pick up. This leads us to think she has found at least one of the worm holes in the garden (not the ones made by our slimy little garden allies) which makes her more difficult to contend with than say, hungry raccoons which although undoubtedly clever little beasts are not noted for their ability to manipulate space-time.

Yes, question, Mallory? How do we manage to grow pineapples here in North Jersey? We like

pineapples, my friend. And we are gardening wizards after all, aren't we? Have another weenie?

Live traps don't work, electrified fencing doesn't work, predator pee - well I leave it to you. Dusts, sprays, CD's on string, pah! She sneezes at them.

Uncle Mac says she can't outrun a bullet but, despite the bizarre trophies he brings home now and then, I don't see him loading the ol' Springfield.

She doesn't confine herself merely to pineapples; eggplant, butternut squash and Kossack kohlrabi seem to be on her list as well. She snatched our biggest Burgermeister Grande termato last summer on a dead run, just as farm girl was about to pick it! A two legged scourge!

We that's it for today, folks, put your heads together and see if you can help us solve the Pineapple Girl Mystery, you might win a valuable prize! (If you consider 10 lbs of Uncle Mac's Special Compost valuable, that is.) As always, thank you for visiting here at The Children's Hour!